(This is copied from my personal online journal to Reagan)

Dear Reagan,

What can I say about you? I don't know where to start, but then I never do. I feel like this is the "big" post, this is your one-year letter, this should be insightful and funny and say everything I haven't been able to say up until now. I'm afraid I won't live up to that, but you'll forgive me, right?
I'm actually a day late writing this just because I wanted to really be mentally able to focus on it, and I haven't been able to up until now. These letters are important to me.

Words seriously cannot express the love I have for you. I'm sitting here, looking at this keyboard, and I just...don't know how to say it. You're wonderful. You snuggle with us now, which is absolutely the best feeling in the world I have to say. We have a little game where I hold you close to my chest and your Daddy gives us both a bear hug and we sway back and forth and hum for a few seconds(don't laugh! It's sweet!). You seem to enjoy it. When he pulls away, you snuggle in and hum again even if he hasn't bear-hugged us yet. It's beautiful.

You started saying Mama the day before your birthday party. I can't even explain to you how that makes me feel. I know you know "Mama" is me, because you pretty much only say it towards me. Sometimes I can't tell if you're saying "Mama" or just humming or saying "yum yum", but when I hear it clearly it's the best sound in the world. I came in today and you shouted "Mama!". I love it. I love you.

We have entered toddlerhood for the most part, and I'm not sure how to transition. It's alot of fun, but I still see you as my little baby. I probably will for the rest of your life, so get used to it now. You're a good baby, though. Some days you are clingier than others, but those are the days when I try and play with you more. That's good for me too, because it relaxes me to just sit on the floor and let you play with my hair, or hand me toys and take them back, or whatever else you do. You also enjoy taking everything out of any bag you find, and putting it all back as fast as you can. It's adorable.

Life has been very busy for us lately, and I feel like I'm missing you growing up in all this chaos. Even though I'm mostly working from home, I don't feel mentally "here" alot. I wish I could explain to you that we're doing all this for you, to provide you with the things you need (and some that you want). We're doing this so that we can be financially stable enough to really enjoy life. It may be stressful now, but we're transitioning. I want to raise you with the right work ethic, a "go-getter" attitude, not an attitude or one that expects everything to be handed to you. I do want to give you things of course, but I want you to learn the value of a dollar, how to take care of your money, and how to go after your dreams no matter what they are.
I think your father is such a great example of this. He is one of the most ambitious persons I know, and he always has been. I'm excited to raise you with him, because I know he will be such a great example for you.

I love you, sugarbun.

♥
Mama

( A brief year in review, in photos )

( One year old, and second zoo trip! )

More updates to come soon! Keep checking back. You shouldn't be disappointed! :)

♥

Dear Reagan,

This month has been VERY exciting with you! I told your daddy the other night, "She's just getting more and more FUN!". It's true, too. I love playing with you even more now. You laugh more, which is wonderful. You used to not be much into laughing, or we had to practically do cartwheels to get it out of you. Not so much, now. It makes playtime so much more rewarding for me, honestly.

You have also taken your first step! Well, sort of. Your Nana says it doesn't count because you fell, but it seemed like more of a step to me. You've been looking so much older to me lately. I put your hair up for the first time yesterday (well, first time in a ponytail). You looked like a toddler. You almost ARE a toddler. It makes me sad in a way, but I'm also really looking forward to watching you grow even more. Watching you learn new words, learn about the world around you. I'm excited about you walking, talking, and interacting more with us. Well, you already interact alot with us, but actually being able to communicate with something other than "EH!" and "UH!"

The other day, you wanted your daddy to hold you ALOT. It was kind of a first in itself. Not only did you reach for him (even while I was holding you), but you wouldn't let me take you back! It didn't make me sad at all, I was really proud of you actually. It showed me how much you really are growing up. I didn't have to hide to hand you off to anyone. We went to your cousin Jonathan's 8th birthday party, and you wanted all sorts of people to hold you. That was also a first. It was kind of nice, actually.

You are a very BOSSY baby. VERY demanding, just like your momma. It's kind of funny, but I know I have to make sure to not let it get out of control. When you want more food, you want it RIGHTNOWWHEREISMYFOODGIVEITTOMENOWWWWWWWW. I am trying to teach you the word "More" (sometimes I sign it too, most times I forget), and maybe you get it, but you don't say it. That's ok, though. You will one day, and you'll wear me out with it I'm sure. THEN we can work on "Please" and "Thank you". So exciting (sarcasm)!

I just love you so so much. I love snuggling with you at 3 AM, even if I do lose sleep. I don't mind as much as I used to. You normally go back to sleep easily. While I am looking forward to a full night of sleep, I also know that one day I will miss these nighttime snuggles/feedings. The other night, you would NOT sleep by yourself. You HAD to be with us, and you slept fine as long as you were with us. You didn't even have to nurse all the time, you just ate and then snuggled up against your daddy. It was really precious, honestly.

I know one day you will think I am totally uncool, and I may listen to all the wrong music, and say all the wrong things. But you know what, I really do think the world of you. I don't expect you to be perfect, I know you are human just like I am. I'm just so proud to be called your mother.

Love,
Your momma

( We put her hair up for the first time the other day...CUTE. (Click here!) )

Jan 30, 19:02
Dear Reagan,
As I type this, you are sitting at my feet playing happily with some of your daddy's work maps. They're laminated, so I think/hope they will be safe from you!

I know I say it every month, but I seriously cannot believe you are already 9 months. In just 3 short months, we will be celebrating your first birthday. This is mind-blowing to me.

I'm so overwhelmed right now, every month that goes by, I get more and more afraid that I won't be able to handle being a mom. Soon we will be getting into issues of discipline, life teachings, sharing, all that good stuff. What if I mess it up? It's so scary. I just trust my instincts, and follow your lead for the most part. You're pretty good at telling me what you need, when you need it (usually you "shout" at me, hehe).

Still no real words yet, you prefer to stick to shrieking and squealing more than anything. You do say "babababa" alot, and the other day you said something like "yeah-yeah!" towards your daddy, sounded very much like "da-da!". You haven't said Ma-ma in awhile, so I guess that will come on its own. I'm not going to rush you, and it's not like you can be rushed anyways.

You are getting into EVERYTHING. It's fun in a sense, you're so much more playful and I love chasing you around, and having you chase me. You aren't much of a laugher, but you do grin and squeal alot (you are doing it at this minute, actually). You do it in such a hilarious way, it's like you KNOW what you are saying. Your eyebrows raise, you nod, and squeak and squeal to your heart's content. So funny!

You pull up, crawl, roll over (of course), sit up on your own, push yourself to sitting, you can even stand on your own for very short seconds at a time. You don't do it much, but if I'm holding your hands and let go, you will do it from time to time. It's always freaky to me, I can't imagine you walking around this place! It almost makes me crack up, picturing it for some reason. Still, just a month ago you were just getting the hang of crawling, and in just these few short weeks you have really taken off. What will next month bring?

You love your food, too! Ever since I introduced toast the other day, you don't really like me feeding you anymore. You keep trying to grab the spoon yourself, and get mad at me while I feed you. We are going to have to buckle down and get you a seat with a tray, so you can really feed yourself now! You love grabbing the spoon out of my hand, and then trying to feed yourself. I prefer to not have ALL your outfits stained with carrots and sweet peas though, so I don't let you much. Not until we get actual finger foods, or less watery baby food! I'm almost afraid I wasted money on all the jarred food in the cabinet. I spent almost $20 on baby food the other day, and you might want nothing to do with it now! Dang. I'll get creative and mix it in with stuff if I get desperate, I guess.

I've finally hit the end of my rope on bringing you to work with me, unfortunately. It really worked out great for awhile, but you just require way too much supervision now! After much searching, we finally have someone to watch you twice a week (Hi Katie!), and that is such a relief. I'll miss you, but I won't be gone long anyways. I know you'll have more fun playing at home, than being stuck in a playpen at work with me.

I wish this was a funnier letter, but I'm just so worn out I can't even think of anything hilarious to type. You are a cutie, though. You get lots of attention everywhere I go. People stop me, talk to you, ask about you, talk about your big blue eyes, your teeth, your smile, your hair, everything. I never get tired of all the attention, although sometimes it makes my outings take alot longer than I plan!

Well, you are now pulling on my shirt and yelling at me. It's definitely getting too close to your bedtime. I love you so much, sweetie.
I'm going to get you to sleep now! haha.

Love,
Mama!

( Click here for stats and pictures, now that she's in bed! )

Whew.

Time to go clean up my messy place.

♥
Ash

Dear Anna Reagan,

I seriously cannot believe that you are 8 months old already. Actually, I am 2 days late even writing this letter. I just put you down for the night, you poor tired thing. You played hard today, and only took one nap! You didn't even fuss when I laid you down after feeding you, you just passed right out. I love nights like this!

I remember seeing other babies at 8 months old and thinking it would be forever until you were that age. Well, here we are. You are getting so grown up, and your little personality is really coming out. One thing we know is that you are a little escape artist. It doesn't matter what I put up to make sure you stay where you're supposed to, you will find a way around it. It may take you 15 minutes, but you will eventually move the big box that is full of toys, out of the opening of the kitchen. Pillows definitely frustrate you, though. I can only guess it's because they are too fluffy and you can't get a good grip on them to move them, and they aren't stable enough for you to crawl over yet. Ahahaha. I have found a way to contain you, but not for long.

I think right now I am definitely your favorite person, and that's ok with me. You won't even let your daddy hold you if I am anywhere in sight. You've gotten alot stronger, too, you will push against anyone who is holding you, go limp, try to wiggle away and jump into my arms. I can't lie, I love it. It is a little bit frustrating when I have to pee, but sometimes you just have to deal with me not being there 24/7. ;)

I have already taken maybe 50 pictures in the past 2 days. You look older every day. You are crawling all over the place now, following me everywhere. You try to pull up, and today you did manage to pull all the way up on the couch (before falling and hitting your mouth, yikes). I'm still feeding you mostly jarred baby food, and breastmilk of course, because after that little choking episode a month or so ago I am scared to try any finger foods. We'll do it sometime soon, though, you have 6 teeth now! We have to put those to good use sometime!

I still bring you to work with me. You do pretty good most days, but it's such a small space and it's getting harder to have you with me without worrying about you destroying something as soon as I turn my back. So we'll see what to do about that sometime.

When you cry, you say what SOUNDS like "Ma-ma!". I swear it does. But it's only when you're crying! You make this pathetic wailing sound, and it's usually liek "Meh-meh! Meehhhhh! Ma-mah!" I tell John that you are definitely calling for me. Now let's try it when you're not crying, too. :)

( I can't believe how much you've grown...(click for pictures) )

I love you, sweetie! Now, what do you say about getting back to those 12-hour nights of sleep? Huh? Pretty please? :D

Love,
Meh-meh!